ACT V. SCENE 1.
The Grecian camp. Before the tent of ACHILLES
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS
| ACHILLES. | I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,
Which with my scimitar I'll cool to-morrow.
Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
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| PATROCLUS. | Here comes Thersites.
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Enter THERSITES
| ACHILLES. | How now, thou core of envy!
Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?
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| THERSITES. | Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol of
idiot worshippers, here's a letter for thee.
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| ACHILLES. | From whence, fragment?
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| THERSITES. | Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
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| PATROCLUS. | Who keeps the tent now?
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| THERSITES. | write_ads(1,1)> The surgeon's box or the patient's wound.
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| PATROCLUS. | Well said, Adversity! and what needs these tricks?
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| THERSITES. | Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk; thou
art said to be Achilles' male varlet.
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| PATROCLUS. | Male varlet, you rogue! What's that?
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| THERSITES. | Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases of
the south, the guts-griping ruptures, catarrhs, loads o' gravel
in the back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten
livers, wheezing lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas,
limekilns i' th' palm, incurable bone-ache, and the rivelled fee-
simple of the tetter, take and take again such preposterous
discoveries!
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| PATROCLUS. | Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest thou
to curse thus?
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| THERSITES. | write_ads(1,1)> Do I curse thee?
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| PATROCLUS. | Why, no, you ruinous butt; you whoreson
indistinguishable cur, no.
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| THERSITES. | No! Why art thou, then, exasperate, thou idle immaterial
skein of sleid silk, thou green sarcenet flap for a sore eye,
thou tassel of a prodigal's purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is
pest'red with such water-flies-diminutives of nature!
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| PATROCLUS. | Out, gall!
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| THERSITES. | Finch egg!
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| ACHILLES. | My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
From my great purpose in to-morrow's battle.
Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
A token from her daughter, my fair love,
Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.
Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;
My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.
Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent;
This night in banqueting must all be spent.
Away, Patroclus! Exit with PATROCLUS
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| THERSITES. | With too much blood and too little brain these two may
run mad; but, if with too much brain and to little blood they do,
I'll be a curer of madmen. Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow
enough, and one that loves quails, but he has not so much brain
as ear-wax; and the goodly transformation of Jupiter there, his
brother, the bull, the primitive statue and oblique memorial of
cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his
brother's leg-to what form but that he is, should wit larded with
malice, and malice forced with wit, turn him to? To an ass, were
nothing: he is both ass and ox. To an ox, were nothing: he is both
ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a
lizard, an owl, a put-tock, or a herring without a roe, I would
not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire against destiny.
Ask me not what I would be, if I were not Thersites; for I care
not to be the louse of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus. Hey-day!
sprites and fires!
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Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES,
NESTOR, MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights
| AGAMEMNON. | We go wrong, we go wrong.
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| AJAX. | No, yonder 'tis;
There, where we see the lights.
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| HECTOR. | I trouble you.
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| AJAX. | No, not a whit.
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Re-enter ACHILLES
| ULYSSES. | Here comes himself to guide you.
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| ACHILLES. | Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, Princes all.
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| AGAMEMNON. | So now, fair Prince of Troy, I bid good night;
Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
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| HECTOR. | Thanks, and good night to the Greeks' general.
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| MENELAUS. | Good night, my lord.
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| HECTOR. | Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.
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| THERSITES. | Sweet draught! 'Sweet' quoth 'a?
Sweet sink, sweet sewer!
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| ACHILLES. | Good night and welcome, both at once, to those
That go or tarry.
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| AGAMEMNON. | Good night.
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Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS
| ACHILLES. | Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
Keep Hector company an hour or two.
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| DIOMEDES. | I cannot, lord; I have important business,
The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.
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| HECTOR. | Give me your hand.
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| ULYSSES. | [Aside to TROILUS] Follow his torch; he goes to
Calchas' tent; I'll keep you company.
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| TROILUS. | Sweet sir, you honour me.
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| HECTOR. | And so, good night.
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Exit DIOMEDES; ULYSSES and TROILUS following
| ACHILLES. | Come, come, enter my tent.
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Exeunt all but THERSITES
| THERSITES. | That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust
knave; I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a
serpent when he hisses. He will spend his mouth and promise, like
Brabbler the hound; but when he performs, astronomers foretell
it: it is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun
borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather
leave to see Hector than not to dog him. They say he keeps a
Troyan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent. I'll after.
Nothing but lechery! All incontinent varlets! Exit
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Next
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ACT V. SCENE 1.
